Fast food'll kill you
by Doctor Maz
Summary: Jack and the Doctor have to defeat a regenerating mutation of chinese food that has been festering within the TARDIS for hundreds of years (9 probably left it there).


** Based on a prompt by awakened-earth. This si my first Doctor Who fic- so be kind. And i don't think I've got my favourite not-companion quite right.**

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The Doctor patted the control panel of the TARDIS fondly. It was one of those lonely times between companions. "Just you and me dear." He said absently, stroking her railing. It was just about then that he noticed a rather interesting twirly thing that he hadn't noticed before. He poked it curiously. When it went _boing_ he poked it again. His face filled with excitement as he poked it a third time. _Boing. _And then a fourth time _Boing._ And then the floor opened beneath him and he dropped into an empty room he didn't recognize.

"Naughty TARDIS." He scolded, looking round. "Where am I? What have I done to upset you this time darling?" A door appeared in the small gold room, through it the Doctor could see the control room. Weird. As he stepped through, he noticed something was different. His twirly thing was missing. Huh- TARDIS must have caught a cold. Ah well, he'd just give her a rest, check out the planet. Actually? Where were they?

"Sleep well my love!" The Doctor called, swinging open the TARDIS door and jumping out into the new world that awaited him.

Huh- The TARDIS was having trouble translating the signs- must be Wales, Earth. How dull. Even so, the Doctor found himself running down a hill and into an unsuspecting herd of sheep. The Doctor liked sheep. Sheep were cool. "BHAAAA!" He tried. "BHAAAAA!" No reaction. Sheep were boring.

It was right about now when the Doctor would return back to the TARDIS, maybe take a dip in the pool, do some internet shopping, or just explore. No- exploring is a bad idea when the TARDIS is sick. Maybe a book. It was also exactly then when he noticed a familiar figure in a familiar military jacket who had recognized a familiar blue box. And shit- he was running to it.

The Doctor was up and he was running too, eager to get there before the offending man, running through sheep poopoo and trying to get through awkward gates in fences. He had a head start though, and he was thankful for his currently long legs. And HA! He was there, the door was closed and he'd escaped.

The Doctor gave a sigh of relief and leant back on the door. And then he noticed it. The monster of the TARDIS. That's when the Doctor turned round and opened the TARDIS door.

"Jack. Good to see you."

"DOCTOR!" Jack shouted, throwing his arms round his friend before stepping back a bit and pinching his cheeks, prodding his chin a little and poking him in the side.

"Hey!" The Doctor swatted at his hands. "Less touchy."

"The last face was prettier."

"Hey!" He said again, straightening his bow tie. "I think I look rather dashing."

"Still." Jack shrugged, "I'm sure it has its merits."

"Do come in." The Doctor dodged out of the way and Jack came face to face with a certain gloopy monster, ducking just in time to miss a splatter of brown ickyness being flung at his head. Jack turned to find the Doctor sonicing it. "Chinese food." He explained. "The TARDIS and the vortex appear to have accelerated mutations. And it seems to be… part Timelord?"

"DOCTOR." Jack warned as another spoldge came heading, this time at the doctor. "Who just leaves Chinese food lying around."

"Well it must have been a few regenerations ago. What are you doing?"

Jack was getting a large what could only be describe as 'thing' out of his backpack. "Torchwood tec." He said, aiming what looked like a photon blast at the creature.

"No!"

But it was too late, the creature was shrieking and falling down, melting into the floor of the TARDIS.

"Jack, you didn't even give it a chance. This… this is a whole new species."

"Doctor, it was mutated Chinese food."

"It was alive." But before Jack could defend himself, the floor of the TARDIS was glowing gold. No- the remains of the creature were glowing gold. Regeneration gold.

"Doctor, it's-" Jack said, confused.

"RUN!"

Exploring is a bad idea when the TARDIS is sick. They weren't exploring- they were _running._ This was worse. "Doctor, why didn't we run _out_ of the TARDIS?"

"And leave her with it alone."

"We could get-_"_

"No- you leave your Torchwood friends out of this."

"But-"

"In here." The Doctor said, pulling Jack into a side room with him and shutting the door behind them.

"Doctor, you could have taken me to dinner first."

"We need a plan."

"Got any giant chopsticks?"

"Yes."

"do I even want to know?"

"It was a gift."

"Okay- I definitely don't want to know. Won't it just regenerate again?"

"Yes."

"So how do we..?"

"We lock it in a room and hope it behaves itself. TARDIS, take us to the take-out."

And so they beat it back with the giant chopsticks and into a spacious room in the TARDIS with some nice books, a television, and some prawn crackers to make it comfortable.

It was on the way back to the control room when the good Captain noticed the giant fortune cookie. _Shit._

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**Is it even a 'Herd' of sheep? I dont know what it is.****_  
The prompt was:_**

**The doctor is lost in his Tardis. Little does he know he is about to stumble across the room where he left his unfinished Chinese about 3hundred years ago. In that time it has evolved (accelerated due to the TARDIS, time travel, and the vortex) into a man eating species (or time lord eating species). It escapes the room after he opens it and now the Chinese food monsteris trying to eat him! Cue running lost around the TARDIS like a headless chicken and having to save the natives once it escapes out of the TARDIS.**

**Yes I am aware I have changed it rather a lot. I also didn't have much time so i had to keep it short. She also has written her own version- so go see if it's up. :)**

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_Doctor Maz- Out._


End file.
